When Family Traditions Change

“Sometimes the life you miss and the life you’re building can exist in your heart at the exact same time.”

It feels like I JUST got home from a trip and somehow I'm already getting ready for another one. Thankfully this one doesn't involve airports, luggage weight limits or me trying to figure out how to Tetris everything I've bought into a suitcase. Hubby, the chichis and I are heading to the lake this weekend for our yearly Thanksgiving horseshoe tournament, and honestly, this is one of those trips that has become a MUST for us. Even if it ended up being the only trip we got to take together all year, we'd figure out a way to make it happen.

And today, while I'm thinking about everything that needs to get done before we leave, I found myself thinking about traditions.

Maybe it's because Thanksgiving is here and the rest of the holiday season isn't far behind it, but I've been feeling a little nostalgic today. I miss my kids waking me up Christmas morning. I miss everyone eating way too much on Christmas Eve and then collectively deciding we were far too stuffed to possibly do dishes and asking, "Can't we just do them in the morning?" lol I miss the at-least-once-a-year trips the kids and I would take to wherever their dad happened to be working, and even better, the family camping trips we squeezed in when he wasn't working.

Or maybe I just fucking miss my kids. Hahaha.

People tell you about the empty nest stage. They warn you that it's weird and emotional and that you're never really prepared for it, but I don't think you fully understand it until you're standing in the middle of it. When my youngest first moved out, I definitely felt it, but my oldest was still here at the farm holding down the homestead. Even during the years hubby and I were working on the West Coast and only making it home a few times a year, there was still this feeling that one of the boys was HERE. The farm was still home base.

But lately it feels different.

My oldest told me last week that if he gets winter work in the city, he's seriously considering moving in with his brother and taking more of his stuff with him. And I mean... I'm excited for him. Truly. I've always wanted my boys to grow up independent. I want them to have their own lives, their own adventures, their own homes and the freedom to figure out what THEY want their lives to look like. I don't want grown-ass men living their lives around what Mom needs from them.

But apparently those two feelings can exist at the exact same time.

I can be ridiculously proud of them AND walk past a quieter bedroom and feel that little tug in my chest. I can love having a quiet house where I can work without interruption AND miss the noise. I can be excited watching them build their adult lives while simultaneously wondering how the hell we got here so fast. Weren't these little shits just waking me up at an ungodly hour on Christmas morning five minutes ago?!

And with the holidays creeping closer, I think I'm feeling it a little more than usual.

It probably doesn't help that hubby is working in the city too. LOL. Because there's another dream sitting quietly underneath everything I'm building right now. I look forward to the day when I can finally look at that hard-working man and say, "Bebe, stay home. Stay out of my hair... but stay HOME." There will be no need for him to work twelve to sixteen hour days away from home anymore because I've got this. He can manage the dogs, tackle the never-ending homestead list, do some dishes and annoy me from the other room while I'm working.

And here's the crazy part.

For the first time in years - maybe ever - I can actually SEE the path to making that happen.

Not in the fluffy wouldn't that be nice someday kind of way. I can see the pieces. I can see what I've been building. I can see where the programs fit, where the coaching fits, where the team fits and where the things I've spent months quietly working on in the background could actually take us. There are courses getting close to being ready to roll out, programs being rebuilt and refreshed, systems being put into place and a whole lot of little puzzle pieces that finally feel like they're starting to click together.

And while I certainly couldn't do everything I'm doing without the amazing people I have around me, I'm also doing something I haven't always been great at.

I'm giving MYSELF some fucking credit.

I've been busting my ass.

I've researched. I've written. I've rebuilt things. I've changed direction when something didn't feel right. I've learned new systems, delegated things I shouldn't be doing anymore, gone back to the drawing board more times than I can count and kept moving forward even when I wasn't completely sure where all the pieces were going to land.

I've done all of that while missing my family.

While learning what it feels like when the traditions I could once count on aren't necessarily a given anymore. While realizing that the house is going to get quieter as my boys continue building their own lives. While missing their voices, their faces and yes, even some of the chaos I probably complained about when they were here. LOL The dogs certainly try their hardest to fill the noise quota, but it's not quite the same.

But maybe this stage isn't only about losing old traditions.

Maybe it's about creating new ones.

We're already talking about doing Christmas Eve dinner at my son's place this year, and apparently I'll be heading there a couple of days early so I can start cooking because YES, Christmas Eve dinner is a whole fucking production in this family and I refuse to apologize for it!! It won't look exactly like it did when the boys were little. It shouldn't. They're not little anymore. Maybe someday there'll be partners and grandbabies and completely different houses and traditions that don't even exist yet.

And these trips with hubby? I know they're going to become more than one yearly trip to the lake.

I've seen it.

I've felt it.

And you best fucking believe I'm manifesting the shit out of it.

I want more weekends where we're throwing bags in the vehicle and heading somewhere just because we can. I want trips that aren't squeezed between work schedules. I want mornings where we're deciding what we're doing that day instead of figuring out how many days until he's home again. I want adventures with him, adventures with the kids, retreats with my coaching community and enough freedom in our lives that spending time together isn't something we have to fight the calendar for.

Maybe that's part of why I'm building so hard right now.

It's not just about hitting some arbitrary income number or having a certain number of clients or students. It's about creating a life where there is ROOM for the people I love. It's about building a business that supports my life instead of eventually becoming another thing that pulls me away from it.

And maybe that's also why this weird empty-nest transition doesn't feel entirely sad.

There's grief in it, absolutely. I think there probably always will be. I'll always miss certain versions of our life that I can never recreate. I'll miss little-boy Christmas mornings. I'll miss family camping trips with kids piled into whatever we were driving. I'll miss knowing everyone would automatically be home for the holidays because where the hell else were they going to go?

But I also get to see what comes next.

My boys get to create lives of their own. Hubby and I get to rediscover what OUR life looks like when we're not actively raising kids. And I get to take all these dreams, programs, ideas and plans I've been carrying around and finally turn them into something that creates freedom for all of us.

So maybe it's a little like the tide.

I'm adjusting.

Some days I'll feel low and I'll miss the shit out of the way things used to be. Other days I'll be bursting at the edges with excitement about where we're headed next. Neither one means I'm going backwards. It's just part of learning how to flow with a life that's changing whether I'm ready for it or not.

And while I figure it out, I'm going to keep busting my ass. I'm going to Do The Dang Thang. I'm going to bring my coaching business back fresh, roll out these programs I've been quietly building and start changing some fucking lives.

And yes, I'm going to retire my husband.

Because somebody needs to stay home and manage these damn dogs.

And I'm pretty sure the dishes are going to need doing too.